All the times I needed you most
by Izzy713
Summary: This is a collection of one shots about the pairing of Amanda Rollins and Nick Amaro, these will be moments from different points in their relationship and how they came to be the ship we all love. These will all be actual events from the show but will be scenes that we didn't get to see and is my way of developing their relationship.
1. Shot

**Authors note- This fanfiction is going to be a different one shot every chapter from the ship of Amanda and Nick, these chapters will mostly have a theme of Amanda and Nick comforting each other during their hardest times and each chapter won't be related to the others. If any of my readers have a request I would be happy to try and write a chapter for you, I hope you enjoy this chapter-Izzy**

 **Shot**

I see the flash of cameras as I walk behind Amanda and Fin, she has the perp in handcuffs and keeps hold of her as we walk down the steps towards the car, I watch as Amanda puts her into the car and she makes her way over to the drivers side. I am not paying attention and only look away for a second when I hear the shot, I turn and see Amanda sliding down the car with blood pouring out of the opened wound that is now on her shoulder. I race over and push my way through the crowd of cops that is now forming around her, I catch her head before it hits the street and cradle it, her blond hair covers my hands as I try to insure no blood gets mixed in with the hair that lately has been driving me crazy. I can see that her white coat is now stained with her own blood and a puddle is quickly being collected underneath where she lays, I try and locate where the bullet went in and if it could be fatal. I whisper her name and as much as it pains me to leave her I follow Olivia as she runs across the street to the building where the bullet came from, we race up the stairs and make it to the roof but by time we get there it's already too late, there isn't anyone up here and as I look down at the view Amanda's shooter saw I see Fin carry her and put her into the back of a car. The car speeds off and the sound of sirens fills the air as they speed down the street and while we were too late on finding the shooter I have to believe it won't be too late for Amanda.

I make my way into the hospital and notice the lack of people here, I don't even care how late it is right now I need to see her, I pass by some nurses and flash them my badge so I can avoid having to sign in, I don't want people to know I came to visit her, alone. I find my way to her room and walk inside to find her laying there in her hospital bed, there are so many things she is hooked up too and it's almost enough to make me step back and leave, I thought I could handle seeing her in this much pain, to see her being the victim of a crime this time instead on the other side of it but maybe it's all just too much, her pain is causing me my own. I step closer to her bed and take her hand into mine, its cold but I keep holding it, not knowing if it's for me or her that needs to keep holding on. She stirs and I quickly pull my hand away, the last thing I would want is to freak her out by holding her hand, during this whole event I have come to realize the feelings I have for her but I can't count on here feeling the same way. Who in their right mind would develop feelings for someone who works crazy and non stop hours and whenever I'm not at work I am spending time with my two children, from two different relationships might I add, no one is that crazy. I move to walk away and leave it all behind, hoping to leave my feelings behind in the process when she opens up her eyes, I look down and see her big and beautiful blue eyes staring back up at me, she smiles "Nick"

"Hi" her words are a little bit slurred as if she was drunk, I can tell it is from the medication and pills they put her on for the pain, it was a nasty shoulder injury and she will need physical therapy for god knows how long when she gets out of the hospital.

"What are you doing here?" she doesn't sound mad, just bubbly as she asks me why I came to visit her. I don't take her light tone easily considering she might not even remember I had been here in the morning.

"I came to come and see you, how are you feeling?" she laughs, it isn't a nervous one but it isn't her normal laugh, it's higher and definitely drug induced, it makes me laugh with her.

"You look different, where's your suit?" I look down at my jeans and t-shirt that I have been wearing to work since Amanda's shooting, this case has torn me apart and I had been working my ass off to find the person who did this to her, suddenly I wasn't so preoccupied with my outfit and looking put together, how could I when I felt myself falling apart on the inside, she has made me feel like this.

"I haven't been wearing it to work lately I guess" she tries to sit up and winces at the pain she feels from using her upper arm strength, I rush over to her side and help her try and sit up more comfortably "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine" she rolls her head over onto the pillow and reaches up to touch my face, I stay still as she stokes me face, a smile breaks out across her face and she laughs again "Your face has gotten scruffy" she drops her hand and I bring mine up to my face to trace where she has just touched me, I could swear I still felt her gentle touch even after it's gone.

"Yeah, I should probably shave soon" everything has been put on hold since she has been in the hospital. How am I supposed to worry about the basic necessity of shaving when she is laying in a hospital bed fighting off an infection, I have been loosing my mind with worry about her. I think back to my time with Amanda and I can't remember the time when she stopped only being one of my partners and started to become someone that I am constantly drawn too like a magnet.

"I like it, it looks nice" she laughs again and is thrown into a short lived fit of giggles. I restrain myself from telling her how I have been feeling, I could easily tell her my feeling and leave, she probably wouldn't even remember I had been here and I could just lay all my cards on the table and walk away, no fear of rejection. The only problem is that I want her to know, I also want her to tell me she feels the same way. "What time is it?"

"Late"

"What are you doing here so late?"

"I just wanted to check on you before I went home" I smile at her, it's the truth, I knew I wouldn't have been able to get a good night sleep without seeing her first. I look over and see her starting to fall asleep again "I should probably get going now, let you get some sleep"

"Okay" I start to walk away when she grabs my hand, it's not a tight pull but it is definitely affecting me "Thank you"

"For what?"

"Visiting me, I missed you" she drops my hand after a few seconds more and then falls back to sleep. I walk out of the room and can't stop feeling Amanda's hand on mine, what was this girl doing to me? I get in my car and drive myself home, I try to sleep for a little while but it is useless, I thought just seeing her would make me feel more reassured but I'm not sure I will be okay until we catch the son of a bitch that hurt her, hurt my Amanda. Who knew that one shot would make me finally admit that I may be in danger of falling in love with Amanda Rollins.

 **I was watching the episode where Amanda got shot and I couldn't help but notice the way Nick literately looked like he was falling apart over it, how he stopped wearing suits to work throughout the whole investigation and he stopped shaving, after seeing his behavior it inspired me to write this fanfiction so I hope you like it, if so please leave me a review and I will be updating soon I hope, until next time-Izzy**


	2. Jealous

**Jealous**

She has the nerve to stand in front of me and start a fight right here in the work place, she has the nerve to tell me that I am jealous about all successful relationships around me just because my marriage to Maria didn't work out. I am not a man to pick a fight with a woman, I have been known to have anger problems but after witnessing my father taking his fists to my mother and soon after me I know not to get too heated when it comes to a fight with a woman, but yet here she is getting my blood boiling and I am not opposing, she is ready for a fight and that is exactly what I am going to give her, Amanda Rollins is officially the exception to everything in my book now. "You really think I am jealous of everyone else's happiness?" How could she be that vain, I want my friends to be happy of course but how can she be blind to the fact that I may be upset about another thing, maybe I am upset that she is screwing her sponsor when just last week she was crawling into bed with me.

 _I lay down in my bed and look up at the ceiling, I can't stop thinking about how empty this house is now. No Zara and definitely no Maria, they haven't been here in weeks and yet I still have trouble falling asleep every night. I suddenly hear a heavy knocking on the door and I get out of bed, I look to the clock that sits on the nightstand that is next to my bed, the clock reads 1:00 and as I get out of bed and make my way to the door all I can think is who the hell is knocking at this hour? I check the peephole and see the blond hair from the person standing on the other side of the door. I open it up and she is standing there looking breathtaking, she is wearing casual cloths, hell the same cloths from our day at work and yet she still manages to stun me with her beauty. "Amanda, what are you doing here?"_

 _"I was in the neighborhood" I can smell the alcohol on her breath and know she came straight from a bar, or even possibly a club where she was gambling again, either way it is clear she has had way to much to drink._

 _"At 1 AM?" she looks confused and I don't know if it's from the booze or her having lost track of time, maybe both._

 _"Is it really that late already?"_

 _"Yeah" she stands outside the door and waits for me to invite her in, at least she is a polite drunk. "Do you want to come in?" she doesn't answer but walks inside and takes a look around_

 _"Wow, you have a nice place"_

 _"Thanks" I now realize that this is the first time she has been to my house before and also the first time we have been alone together when it wasn't concerning work. I turn on a couple of lights in case she feels pressured in any way and make my way into the kitchen. "Do you want anything to drink?" I remember she just stumbled onto my door step reeking of booze and I don't think a drink would do her any good at this point "I'll get you some water" I call behind me and grab a glass and fill it with water, I take it back out into the living room to her and find her sitting on the couch without her coat, she hasn't even been in my house five minutes and already an article of cloths has already been removed. I hand her the water and sit down next to her, I leave enough space between us to make her feel comfortable, I am always wondering why I want her to feel so safe around me, I know she trusts me already but sometimes that isn't enough._

 _"Thanks for the water" she drinks the whole glass quickly and sets the empty glass down on the table in front of us, I'm hoping this will help her sober up some but we both know those tricks don't actually work._

 _"No problem, now can you tell me the real reason you came here?" I wait for her answer and part of me wants her to say she came for me, that side of me is the same one who has been trying to push down the feelings I have for her for weeks now._

 _"I was a bit lonely" we both are, she lives on her own too, unless a dog counts but still that isn't the same and we both know that._

 _"And had a little too much to drink?"_

 _"Yes, a little too much to drink" she laughs her drunken laugh after repeating back to me what I had just said to her_

 _"Were you gambling again?"_

 _"Let's not talk about that now Nick" it had always bugged her how interested I had been in some of her personal things but I know deep down she appreciated the concern. I don't take her answer as admitting the truth about gambling again, just that she didn't want to ruin a good moment between us, and for not I am willing to accept that. She stands up and is wobbly as she tries to walk back towards my front door "I should probably go" she hits the side of a chair and stumbles but I am up quick and catch her, I help her find her balance and hold her in my arms._

 _"I think you should probably stay" our lips are just a few inches from each other and I could easily break the distance between us and do what I have been wanting to do for a while now, I look into her blue eyes and for a second I can almost forget about how drunk she is right now. That's when I remember exactly how drunk she is and about how I don't take advantage of girls that are under the influence. I pull away and help her over to the couch. "It's late, so why don't you just sleep on the couch" she nods her head and I go into my room to find a spare blanket and pillow, I try and forget the feeling of holding her in my arms knowing that nothing can happen, not tonight at least. I come back out blanket and pillow in hand and find her sitting on the couch and her shoes scattered across the floor, I lay her pillow down on the couch and she makes no movement so I lay the blanket on top of her. As I go to lay the blanket down my shoulder brushes against her hair and she looks up at me and then her lips are on mine._

 _I don't know who was the one to break the distance but we are now kissing, I am actually kissing Amanda Rollins right now. She holds her hands over my face and kisses me over and over again, they get hungrier every time her lips find mine again and soon my tongue is exploring her mouth. She pulls me down on top of her and my hands explore her body, every inch and curve is covered by my fingerprints. I pull away from her lips and start to kiss down her neck, I hear her moan and feel the vibrations coming from her throat as I give her sweet and gentle kisses. I kiss down to her breasts and am about to go further when I remember why she is here in the first place, I pull away and look down on her "I can't, your drunk"_

 _"You and I both know that this has been coming for a while now" just moments ago we were sitting side by side on my couch as coworkers and now I am on top of her finding out that these feelings haven't been just one sided. I resume kissing the tops of her breasts that are reviled in the top she is wearing and I feel her running her fingers through my hair._

 _"I have wanted this for so long"_

 _"Me too" she pulls her shirt over her head and I do the same, we toss our shirts and I can hear them land of the floor somewhere. I look down at her bra and kiss down her breasts and onto her stomach, I murmur the word beautiful and feel the goosebumps that form underneath my touch. She sits up and I think she is about to leave, telling me it was a mistake and that she was wrong about her feelings for me but instead she kisses me and then stands up from the couch and takes my hand, leading me to the bedroom. Our pants are removed on the way to my bedroom and are left in a trail leading to us, we get to bedroom in only our underwear and she stands in front of the bed looking around at the room. I come up from behind her as she tries to unhook her bra unsuccessfully and kiss her shoulders as I do it for her. Soon we are both completely naked and I am still taking in all of her beauty as I lean over her in my bed, I realize that the last person to share this bed with me was Maria, she was the last person I had sex with in this bed too, but as soon as I lean in that's all over. I look down at her and try to look serious_

 _"Amanda are you sure that you want to do this?" She knows I would never hurt her and I can see the willingness in her eyes, she wants this bad but I still need to make sure this is the way she wants it, our first time together to be when she is drunk._

 _"Yes Nick I am sure" she says it sweetly but also manages to sound impatient at the same time. I slowly lean inside her and kiss her over and over knowing that she got me to break one of my rules and that this wouldn't be the last time I broke a rule for Amanda, that's just the thing that we have both known for a while now, being with her is already breaking all of the rules._

We haven't spoken of it since that night and I know she is in no mood too now. Knowing that she is now fucking her sponsor and wasn't a week ago means that she probably was gambling that night and me reminding her probably drove her right into Nate's arms. I was such an idiot, how could I have fallen for this stubborn and hot headed woman who obviously hadn't made up her feeling for me yet if she is now in the arms of some other man. I listen to her continue to scream at me and can feel my temperature rising, I think I should walk away now. Fin solves that problem for me by coming into the room "You guys need to calm down, everyone can hear you outside" she walks right up to me and just as quickly walks away, I think she is done with me but she turns around and leaves one final blow

"Your not my father" I notice how she hesitated before she said father, we both know she wanted to say and meant to say boyfriend, but Fin was here and no one could know that we slept together. She says the same thing to Fin and then walks away in a tizzy, I reduce my urge to punch a wall right now as I walk away from the room leaving the argument behind. How could she think I was jealous? It was only once that we were together and I know that we aren't in a relationship but I still make a mental note to kick Nate's ass the next time I run into him. 


	3. Worried

**Worried**

"You punched him in the face?" she yells at me and I curse at myself for my actions, of course she was going to find out eventually.

"He told you?"

"Of course he did, he came to me saying some guy came and punched him and told him to leave me alone. He told me to straighten things with you so our cover wasn't blown"

"I didn't know that he was under cover, I'm sorry Amanda"

"Sorry? That's all you have to say about this? You almost put me in more danger than I already was"

"I know and I feel really guilty about it but why didn't you tell me?"

"I couldn't tell anyone, not even my partner" I try and let all the anger I had built up inside over the past few days flow out of me, it is quickly replaced by the feeling of guilt, I may be upset that she didn't tell me but I am more upset with myself for potentially putting her in danger, I could never do that her.

"Amanda I am so sorry" I move closer to her and wrap my arms around her middle, she tries to wiggle away from me but soon give in and hugs me back, she has to be stubborn until the very last second. I whisper into her hair as I hold her close "I'm so sorry"

"Just trust me next time okay?" I try and ignore the fact that she said 'next time' as if she was going to be going undercover again, as if I would just sit back and watch her put herself in danger ever again.

"I do trust you" I feel her tense up and she pulls away from me, she looks at me and seems angry.

"Really? You actually trust me?" she talks in a sarcastic tone and takes a step back, my arms drop to my sides.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Oh I don't know, you have just spent the whole week acting like my boyfriend and constantly checking up on me, that seems like you don't have must trust in me"

"I was just worried about you, and if I'm not your boyfriend than what am I to you?"

"You and I both know that I'm not girlfriend material"

"So what am I just a fuck buddy to you then?"

"It's not like that" I hold my tongue before I say anything that I would regret and that would ruin everything we have.

"Well call me when you have decided because I'm not just going to sit around anymore" I walk out the door and hear her calling my name as I leave. How could she think that this was just about sex? I have feelings for her and until now I was sure she had feelings for me too. I make my way to the bar and start a long night of drinking my troubles away, everything seems to remind me of her, we have spent countless hours here together and just sitting here alone knowing she is usually right beside me makes me feel lonely. I shouldn't miss her so much, how could I care so much about a girl who doesn't even give a damn about me? I pound another drink and set the empty glass on the counter of the bar to be filled again, I drink the next one just as quickly and decide to cut myself off. I think about all the times I felt Maria drifting apart from me, apart from our marriage, and I promised myself I would never go back to a relationship like that and yet here I am caught in the middle of something that I don't even understand with a girl who has been guarded her whole life.

I pay for the drinks and make my way to my home, I walk the streets alone and as I make my way up the porch steps I think about all the times I walked up with her, stealing a kiss as we walked into the door, even times when our lips were interlocked and we probably made fools of our self standing there making out as if we were teenagers. I dig through my pocket to find my keys and pull them out, I put them into the lock and turn it opening the front door. I feel around for the light on the wall and when I find it I flip it up to also find Amanda sitting alone on the couch. Her face is down but she looks up when the lights come on and the door closes, she speaks first

"Hey"

"How did you get in?" she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a single key, I gave her a key so she could let herself in without fear of suspicion about us leaving together. "Right" I go to walk past her and into the bedroom not being in the mood or even the right mind set to have another argument with her when she stands up

"Nick I'm sorry" I don't turn into her direction, not being able to face her as I speak

"It doesn't matter, I'm not your boyfriend remember?" I don't see her face but I can tell she is hurt, my anger might be coming from the drinks or the sting from our fight earlier but normally saying something like that her, her of all people, would make me feel guilty but it comes out easy, it must be from the alcohol.

"You know that I have feelings for you, I wouldn't be here if I didn't" I turn around to face her

"What do I mean to you?"

"What?"

"Tell me or leave because I can't keep doing this, I won't let this turn into what I had with Maria"

"I'm not good with relationships, any relationships actually and I'm just so scared that I will mess this up, this might not be what you want but I don't want to go and label it because you are too important to me to risk loosing" she waits for me to say something, I step over to her and take her face into my hands and kiss her. She is surprised by my actions but soon is kissing me back, when we break apart for oxygen she smiles "Does this mean you have forgiven me?"

"Yes" I kiss her again "If you didn't want to move too fast than that's all you should have said"

"I've never been good with my feelings"

"And I never thought we would ever be more than friends" I remember the day I met her and she was just Rollins, a detective that worked at my prescient and would be a friend but over the past few months something had seriously changed, I started to notice her, really notice her. Maybe it was my marriage with Maria ending that made me open my eyes to how wonderful she really is but I'm glad it happened, with every ending there is a new beginning. She lays her head into my chest and I kiss the top of her head

"I've never really had a serious boyfriend before so I guess that's why I was never used to having someone worry"

"I don't have to be your boyfriend to worry about you" I kiss her again and then we don't talk, we just stand there with me holding onto her. She may not be ready to put a label on us but from the moment I started seeing her in a different light I had started to worry about her, she will always be someone I worry about, you tend to worry about people that you might be falling in love with.


	4. Shower

**Authors note- We all know what happened before Nick walked out of Amanda's shower but what happened after?**

 **Shower**

Nick sits down next to me and we both stare at the TV screen intently "Can you believe this?" I turn off the TV disgusted, I try and think about anything other than this case. If the mother was right then this man was molesting his own daughter and if the mother just made it up as a way to get back at her ex husband than not only is his reputation smeared and the relationship with his daughter will never be the same. I try and push this whole mess far from my mind, I don't want to be spending my time with Nick thinking about work, the other time I do have with him is at work so we always try our hardest to leave the case at the prescient. I lean against his shoulder and I can feel the dampness that the shower left on his body, he moves his head so he is leaning against my head and he gives me a quick kiss on the top of my head. "What do you want to do tonight?"

"Do you want to go and get dinner?"

"Like out?" we had never actually had an official first date, we had always been nervous about if someone saw us from work together, and also if we did go out it would be one step closer to us being officially a couple, something that I have never been good being apart of before.

"Only if you want too, we could also order in" I am grateful for his second suggestion, he really has been so great during this whole thing, always so patient about all the walls that have always been up to keep me protected and in the process he has gotten me to open up to him, more than I have opened up to anyone else.

"Why don't we just order in, we have obviously made ourselves pretty comfortable here anyway" I glance down at the towel that is wrapped around his waist and he laughs

"Yeah, why don't we order some pizza"

"Sounds good to me" he gives me a quick kiss and stands up

"I'm going to go get some cloths on"

"Couldn't you just stay in the towel for a little while longer" I am only slightly joking and I think he knows it too

"Good thing were staying it, I couldn't go out without a towel on, but I'm still getting dressed" he walks to the bedroom where his cloths lay in a pile on the floor near the bed, I wouldn't be surprised if he walked in a different outfit considering I have multiple articles of his clothing at my apartment, and I'm sure there must be a decent amount of my cloths at his house right now. I bite my lip as he walks away and pick up the phone dialing a nearby pizza place, he comes back out into the living room fully dressed this time and he starts to kiss my shoulder, I am still on the phone and find it hard to concentrate while he is doing this, I quiet my giggles as he reaches the spot behind my ear with his lips. I finish placing the order and hang up the phone.

"You know it's so damn hard to do anything when you do that" he leans in closer and kisses my neck

"I just couldn't help myself" he captures my lips and I lay down on the couch as he leans over me and kisses me over and over again. I remember being in this same position earlier that lead to him taking a shower. Being with Nick is so much more than just sex, it started as that way but soon I started developing feeling for him, very strong feelings. Every moment I spend with him outside of work makes me fall a little harder for him but I have never been in a serious relationship before, what I had with Nate was just dependency on him to keep my away from my addiction but the line between dependency and a relationship blurred quickly and soon it was just a sexual relationship, nothing more, but being with Nick has all sex as my previous one and so much more. I break away from the kiss and smile up at him

"I'm glad your here" he rubs my hair and kisses me gently

"I'm glad I'm here too" we don't have to say anything more, right now this is enough for us. We talk until the pizza gets here and I stand up and check my appearance in the mirror, I brush my hair down until it doesn't look so messy and that I was just making out on the couch and then I answer the door and pay for the pizza, I close the door and lock it behind me with pizza in hand, when I walk back out into the living room I see that Nick has turned off the lights and lit a candle that sits in the middle of the room on a table. "I wanted to make it a little more romantic for you" I gush at his effort to make eating pizza a little more like a date and sit down on the floor with him. Our evening is filled with eating pizza straight from the box and talking about everything and anything, work doesn't come up once. I could talk to Nick for hours and am glad that we found each other, I look at him and smile, I take another bite of pizza and chew carefully thinking about what I want to say next.

"Thank you for tonight, it was really great"

"Your not kicking me out are you?" he laughs "I'm still staying the night right?"

"Of course not, your still stay tonight, trust me" I lean over to kiss him "I just really wanted to thank you for making the best out of this, out of us" I had never used the word 'us' before, implying 'us' means that there is a relationship

"Us?" he sounded surprised saying it himself

"Yeah, I want to go on an actual date with you"

"Really?"

"Yeah, something is clearly happening between us and I really love spending time with you and I want to see where this can go"

"Okay, when do you want to go out?"

"How about this weekend"

"Yeah, I like that" he kisses me again and we spend the rest of the night just talking and enjoying each others company, proving that this is more than just sex, even though I can't help but letting my mind wander from time to time about how he looked in that towel after getting out of the shower.


	5. Words

**Words**

I keep my hand on her back as we walk out of the building, she keeps repeating the same words over and over again. She says it again "I'm okay" I don't know if she keeps saying this for my reassurance or hers. We are down the steps and outside and she is surrounded by a swarm of police officers from all different units. I fight through the crowd and stand protectively in front of her

"Give her some space" Liv comes over and drops a blanket over Amanda's shoulders as if she is a victim walking away from her assault, I mean she was a hostage, but we both were and it wasn't our first time. Liv comes over to me

"Take her back to prescient, she is going to have to answer some questions but get her cleaned up first and away from this mess" she runs off into the building to join the rest of our squad and I put my arm around her shoulders and pull her close as I take her to my car, she tries to wiggle free

"I told you that I'm fine" she pushes me off of her and sits in the passenger side of the car and waits for me to get in. I lean my head against the car and take a deep breath, I let everything that just happened moments ago to wash over me and I can feel the weight as it starts to really set in. I could have easily lost her in there, there was a chance that the only way she was getting out of that situation was in a body bag. I get into the car and am start in the direction of the prescient, I take one look at her and can instantly tell that she isn't ready for this kind of attention, she couldn't handle walking in looking like that. I take a quick turn and send us headed to my house instead, I can quickly let her get cleaned up and then we can be on our way back to the prescient. She doesn't say anything as we drive and I start to worry that this has already affected her, just when she has let me in and I have gotten her to open up it's all going to be ruined because she let some sociopaths words get to her.

I pull into my driveway and turn the car off, she looks around as if she just now realizes where we are "Why did you take me to your house?" it's the first time she speaks and he voice doesn't shake, she sounds more annoyed and irritated when she talks

"We need to get you cleaned up" she gets out of the car and walks into the house, I follow her inside and go into the bedroom and pull out some of Amanda's cloths from the drawer, she has been practically living with me and it's caused there to be a lot of her cloths left at my place and probably just as many of mine at hers. I knock on the closed bathroom door and when she doesn't answer I open up and find her standing in front of the mirror just staring at herself. "Amanda?" she doesn't answer and when I touch her shoulder it's like breaking a trace because she jumps back quickly at my touch.

"I'm sorry"

"It's okay, here" I hand her a new shirt and watch as she unstraps her vest and I look down realizing that I still have mine on too, I take hers and unstrap mine and set them on the ground. She is about to take off her shirt when I notice the stains of Holden's blood still on her face "Wait" she sets her arms down and waits as I go into the hall closet and find a washcloth, I walk back into the bathroom and wet the washcloth as she sits down the on counter. I wipe the blood away from her face, after he face is cleaned I set down the blood stained cloth and gently kiss her lips, she doesn't kiss me back so I pull away. "I thought I was going to loose you"

"We were both stuck in there Nick, it could have been either one of us" she lets me kiss her one more time and then she takes off her shirt and puts on the new one I handed her. I lean against the wall as she changes and I wait for her to finish and then she just stands there looking at me. I pull her into my arms and wait for her hug me back, it never comes though.

"You know it's alright not to be okay, just don't let his words get to you"

"He was right though" I pull back and look at her

"What?"

"He was right, I always choose the wrong guys, the ones who treat me like crap"

"He was just saying that to get inside your head"

"Well it worked okay" she takes a step back and covers her face with her hands

"Is that because he brought our relationship up?"

"It just doesn't make sense"

"What doesn't make sense"

"This, us. I am doing the same old things as usual, I am choosing the wrong guy who I'm not supposed to be with and could never have a normal relationship"

"Never have a normal relationship? Why the hell not? I know you don't want people to know yet but I'm not like all those guys that Holden described, I'm not like Nate"

"He also told me that he would never hurt me"

"And I never have, and I never will"

"Holden may have been fucked up in many ways but he had the right idea about me, just by talking to me he found out so much about who I am"

"Amanda your not thinking straight, just let me help you"

"Nick what are we doing here? We could never have the same type of relationship that Liv has with Cassidy, or even what you had with Maria because this is just me making the wrong choices again" I pick up the washcloth and throw it across the room in rage, how could she not see what she means to me?

"Dammit Amanda I love you" this was the first time that I had told her that I love her and it came out as a yell, this isn't how I wanted it to go, this isn't how I planned it to go.

"You love me?"

"Of course I do, I wasn't just messing around with you. Don't you know how much you mean to me?" I walk out into the the bedroom and sit down on the bed and hold back tears, I can't let her see my cry. I almost lost her today, I could have witnessed her murder and now she has these thoughts in her head that I don't care about this relationship, don't care about her the way she deserves. How could she not know? I have been waiting to say those words to her for weeks and now I have said them at the worst possible time and probably messed things up further. She comes out into the bedroom and crouches down in front of me and lifts my chin up, she plants a kiss on my lips and I wrap my arms around her waist and deepen the kiss.

"It's alright for you not to be okay" I laugh at her reusing the same line I gave her earlier, I bring her knuckles to my lips and kiss them. She is worried about me when it's her that was left alone with him, that it was her that he was interested in, and while I was there too I didn't think that I was that effected, and I wasn't, but since she was I find myself slowly falling apart.

"You don't still believe him right?"

"He was right, I do make all the wrong choices" I look down but she brings my head up again "Until now" she kisses me and runs her fingers through my hair, to think I was the one who was supposed to be comforting her and yet here she is making me feel better about what we just went through.

"I really do love you"

"I know, and I love you too" she kisses me one last time and I don't worry about Holden anymore or his words because she loves me, and that's all that matters anymore.


	6. Call

**Call**

I lay my head back against the couch and try and rest my eyes just the slightest, I had been working non stop on the latest case that involved a sick son of a bitch who got off on torture and kiddy porn, and all for nothing apparently. How could the jury not take one look at that sick torture room that he made, one that was soundproof so you couldn't hear the child's screams, and know right away that he was guilty, or at least have the decency to get him off the streets. He lived across the street from a elementary school for gods sake, it would have been a public service just to convict him. My eyes start to close and even though I would hate to sleep knowing that guy is still out there, I just couldn't keep my eyes opened any longer, sleep was about to take over, and then my phone rang. I open my eyes at the sound of the phone call and sit up, I reach for my phone that sits on the table in front of the couch and take a look at the caller ID, it is from an unknown number but it could be important so I decide to answer it. I hold the phone up to my ear "Hello"

"Amanda" his voice comes from the other end of the phone and it makes my heart leap, just hearing his voice still excites me even after all this time

"Nick?" why would he be calling me from a different phone number? And why is it registered as unknown? "Where are you?"

"Don't worry but I need you to help me out"

"Nick tell me where you are" he is starting to worry me, his voice sounds rough over the other end of the phone and I can hear a lot of noise

"I'm being arrested Amanda, I need you to get down here and get me a lawyer" I let this set in, he is arrested? What could he have possibly have done that resulted in him getting arrested? I don't speak for a few seconds and that must worry him "Amanda?"

"I'm still here"

"I don't have much time to talk, my one phone call is almost up, just please get down here soon"

"Okay I will, I'll see you soon"

"See you soon" he says it as if we are meeting up for coffee later, it's such a familiar sentence and yet feels so wrong in this context.

"Just hang in there" I try not to let my voice shake as I speak. After saying those words I hear the click form the other end and I set my phone down, I lean over the couch and try not to cry, just thinking about Nick being processed the same way that everyday criminals are, the criminals that we bring in. It makes me sick having to think that he is now sitting in the same place with rapist, murders, and pedophiles, it's a place where he doesn't belong. I stand up and grab my phone and go out the door, I lock my apartment behind me and then make it down to my car and start it, I drive towards the jail that I have been many times before and when I pull up to the parking lot and I sit there and take a deep breathe in and out. This is all so much to handle and I don't know how I can deal with this, how did Nick get all tangled up in this? Whatever happened to him means that I am now mixed up into it, just like our relationship we are in this together.

I walk into the jailhouse and let them start the long process of insuring that I am not trying to smuggle in anything, I wait patiently as they search me and somehow feel anxious at the same time. As I look around the room and remember long ago when I was in the same position, being charged for the murder of Jeff, my crazy sisters ex who had always been abusive, apparently she had been planning his death and I was the perfect person to go down for his murder, not only did she set me up but ended up robbing me of practically everything I had owned. I try and push away those memories, remembering that not only did hurricane Kim rob me and set me up but the relationship between her and Nick, my Nick, still gets my blood boiling. She always wanted what she couldn't have, always wanted what I had for herself. I am lead to the cells and I rush to the one at the end of the room that Nick is now standing behind, I had expected him to look different somehow, as if being locked up had somehow already changed him. The only difference is the black eye that looks to be forming and the cut that is a little below it, I wanted to reach out and kiss that cut and his bruises but the bars separate us.

He looks up when he sees me and even manages a smile. "Amanda"

"Oh my god Nick, what happened?"

"I tired to calm down after getting that not guilty verdict but I just couldn't. I went to the school and saw him already at it again, taking more pictures for his fucking amusement. His little fantasies that are not yet reality. He was taunting us, saying a big 'screw you' to the NYPD because he can be out here doing whatever the hell he wants and we can't do a damn thing about it" he takes a deep breathe in and then repeats himself "Not a damn thing"

"Did he do that to you" I reach my hands through the bars and touch his face, it's warm and familiar, the same face I was just kissing yesterday. I don't care who sees it anymore, I just need to be close to him, in anyway I can.

"He swung his camera at me, but I did most of the damage. They had to pull me off of him" he manages a small chuckle and I don't object to what some people would consider manic behavior. Knowing this guy, just being in his torture room has convinced me otherwise, that bastard deserved everything he got. I can't say that I wouldn't have done the same thing.

"We need to get you out of here"

"Did you already call me a lawyer?"

"Yes, and I called Benson and Murphy too" he looks a little bit annoyed that I called Murphy but he would have to get over it fast, he really isn't in any position to be objecting my decisions right now.

"How much time do we have left alone?" I look around and almost feel the need to laugh, we aren't alone, you are never alone in jail.

"I'm not sure, they should be here any minute" he doesn't say anything back and I just keep my hand on top of his. After moments of silence I take advantage of what I was thinking for a majority of the time during the drive over here "You picked me"

"What?"

"I was your one phone call" I can't help but manage a small smile at this, out of everyone he knows he choose me to be his one call.

"Of course you were" I can hear footsteps and the sound of Murphy's voice, I quickly pull away my hand and turn to face them. Their faces show that they have the same reaction to what I had when I first saw Nick. I listen to them talk for a few minutes, I hear how Nick explains the same story he just told me and I can already see the gears turning in Olivia's head, and I can see how hard it is going to be for Murphy to let Nick live this down. I may have some trust in Murphy but Nick comes first, he always comes first now. I interrupt their discussion to make it known of my departure.

"I'm going to be going now" I direct this at Oliva and Murphy, when I speak again though I direct it to Nick "We are going to get you out okay? Just hang in there" I want to kiss him goodbye, or even hold his hand one more time but I can't, not with everyone around. I make my way out of the building and into my car and lean my head against the steering wheel. I try and clear my head with every possible way I can but still feel stuck, still feel this gnawing pain in my chest that can't seem to go away. I consider going to a bar and drinking my troubles away but who's that going to help? Besides, I don't have anyone to clean up my messes at the moment, I decide on going to a meeting, it's the best thing for me right now and I really could use it. Who would have known that Nick could somehow be the love of my life but also a major trigger, is that what love is like? Loving someone so much that you just damn near fall apart whenever they are at their worst?

I sit for an hour in that basement listing to everyone's stories, ones that are familiar by now, ones that I can place with faces now. When it gets to my turn I tap my fingers against my jeans as I tell everyone about the latest drama in my life. As I retell the events of today they feel so real, it's that moment when everything just starts to sink in. "I'm Amanda and have been sober a total of three months now, I didn't come here to tell y'all about my need for gambling, I mean it's a given that the constant need is always there, it's just tonight has been especially hard. My boyfriend has been arrested for doing something that our whole squad didn't have the guts to do, he took care of a real bad man, one who should be in prison right now but instead it's the one person who I care the most about in there. I just keep getting this feeling of knowing I can't do anything to help him, and that makes me feel pretty useless" everyone else goes on after I am done talking and I stay silent for the rest of the meeting.

When it's over we all get up and I go over to the snack table looking to get something for the road, I am pouring myself a cup of coffee when a woman comes over to me. She stands there awkwardly, it seems we are both waiting for each other to talk. "Hello?"

"Hi"

"Is there something I can help you with?"

"I just wanted to tell you to hang in there, it will get better and I hope you and your boyfriend the best" I am stunned, but I still manage to find the words to say to her

"Thank you"

"I know what's it's like being so worried like this"

"I just feel like I'm going to somehow mess things up and he now won't be there to help me pick up the pieces of my mistakes" I am usually never so opened like this but I don't know if it's the atmosphere of a gamblers anonymous meeting or her presence, or even the fact that I have nothing left to loose, but I mean every word I say to her.

"This is the time when your relationship will really be put to the test, but I think you can overcome it" she gives me a smile and walks away, I am left with the feeling of some strength.

I get home and get my pajamas on and brush my teeth, I spit and rinse my mouth out and I'm left staring at myself in the mirror. I try and find some strength and courage left inside me, I will need this now more than ever, for both me and Nick, we are in this together now. While I do my best to find this inner strength I still curl up in the bed and feel a ping of loneliness, a feeling that I was once used too but now great as an enemy. I have been by myself before, too many time to count and yet I am left feeling heart sick. I close my eyes and pull the covers tightly around me, and for the first night in a long time I am left sleeping alone.

 **Authors note-I just wanted to say that if you like this fanfic and follow it and everything that means you must be a rollaro shipper, so if you would be interested I also am currently working on a fanfic that is also rollaro but is more of a family dynamic. So if you would be interested in that I would love for you to check it out, it's called "Third times the charm" and if you do check it out I hope you enjoy it and I hope you enjoyed this oneshot, if you did please leave me a review and until next time-Izzy**


	7. Victim

**Victim**

He knows, he called me and said we needed to talk, he must know, why else would he say we needed to talk? He is probably on his way to break up with me right now. I sit down on my couch and put my hands over my face, I can't deal with this right now, first I have to go in front of a jury and reveal the deepest part of myself that I never told anyone before in my life, and now my boyfriend probably wants to break up with me now. He can't handle being with a victim, he doesn't want damaged goods. As if my life wasn't already fucked up enough, this is just the top of the shit storm cake that is my life. Maybe he really won't come over, maybe this can be postponed until another day, this is just too much. I nervously start to clean up a little in the living room, I am in the middle of folding a blanket when I hear a knock on my door, I have no choice but to open it up, I can't avoid it forever. I stand up and open the door and find Nick standing there. "Hey"

"Amanda"

"If your here to end things just please do it now, I have too much going on already" I walk away, not being able to face him when he is going to break my heart. I have never really had any stable relationship, and as crazy as it sounds sneaking around with him for months has been the most stable one I have ever had. He is also the only man I know I love.

"Amanda I'm not ending this" he steps into the apartment and closes the door behind him, he comes up behind me but I still can't find the courage to face him. Funny, Amanda Rollins, cop who isn't afraid of anything or anyone can't even face her boyfriend. "Did you really think that's what was happening?" I still won't look at him "Amanda turn around and look at me" his tone isn't angry, he sounds worried. I turn around and look at him, he isn't at all upset, he looks like hell to be completely honest.

"You aren't ending things?"

"No, why would I?" maybe he doesn't know, maybe I can still save this. I can turn this conversation around again, I can still protect my deepest secret.

"You said you needed to talk, its the oldest break up cliche"

"I just wanted to see if you were okay" oh god he knows.

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"Amanda it's okay, I know"

"There isn't anything to know, I am fine" I walk away from him and into the kitchen, I get a beer out of the fridge and open it, I am about to take a sip when Nick stops me, he takes my hand and makes me set it down

"Drinking isn't the answer Amanda, I know this isn't something you like to talk about but I wan't you to know it doesn't make think anything different about you" I was stuck, trapped. He already knew and told me he wasn't going anywhere, I might as well give him an explanation. Explain to him what he is staying with.

"Who told you?"

"No one had to, you were prepping with Barba, you were on the list of who was testifying, the only explanation was that you were also one of his victims" there he goes, doing his job and being a cop, calling me a victim. I hate that word, I hate that I fall under that category now, I hate that he put me there. That word means that I let something happen to me, I wasn't capable of taking care of myself. I was trained to protect myself and it failed me when I needed it most, now I was one of the victims that I work so hard to protect. It isn't a good feeling at all.

"God I hate that word" I storm away from him, I'm not so successful because he again follows me, who would have thought that I would eventually end up with a guy who cares so much?

"Why do you hate that word? We use that word all the time at work"

"That's the thing, at work. I am not a victim, I am not grouped with all those people out there who are fighters, who are survivors"

"And why not?"

"Because I let it happen, I put myself in that situation. There is no one to blame but myself" he practically breaks down at this point, he just found out his girlfriend was raped and he is the one breaking down about it.

"Amanda how many times have you said to woman that this isn't their fault, you need to start believing that yourself" he sits down on the couch and motions for me to join him, I go over and sit down next to him and he pulls me into his arms. "This isn't your fault" I have heard him say these words a thousand times and yet when he is directing them at me they are so much more impactful.

"This was a long time ago"

"Amanda please, tell me what he did to you" I can hear the plea in his voice, he want's to know what happened so he stop imagining the horrible things he has been thinking, he is doing his job. I let him hold my hand as I tell him, I let myself cry after finally letting it out after keeping it locked away for so long. It was finally said, it was finally out in the open, I couldn't ever take it back. When I'm done I just focus on his face, maybe this will be the time when he decides its too much, now that he has heard the extent of it he can decide if he can stay with me. "That son of a bitch, I could kill him" he is standing up now, pacing around my living room. I can see the way his hand is shaking, this is the anger I see in him whenever he talks about his dad.

"Nick please, lets be reasonable"

"No Amanda, this prick took advantage of you, he was your superior and he took advantage of that" I don't think I have ever seen him so upset like this before.

"This isn't a reason to threaten him, he will get his day in court, hopefully the jury will convict his ass"

"This is a reason to threaten him when it comes to the woman I love" he said it. He had said it before but it wasn't something we always said to each other, it always feels nice to hear him say he loves me.

"I love you too" it only seems like the right thing to say at this moment, in the haze of all this chaos the way I feel about him won't ever change. "That's why I was so afraid I was going to loose you tonight" his face softens and he comes and sits back down next to me.

"You won't ever have to worry about that" he pulls me in close and kisses me. I focus on the way his lips move against mine and know that I could live or die in this moment. "The only thing you will have to worry about is being being arrested for murdering him"

"You wouldn't do that though"

"I want you to know that you can talk to me about anything anytime, especially about this"

"I know" I kiss him again "Lets just not talk now, will you just stay with me?" he pulls me close against his chest, an unspoken yes to staying with me. I feel relief wash over me, he doesn't see me as a victim, he refuses to see me that way when he knows that I am so much more.

 **Authors note-Hey guys! Sorry this fanfic wasn't updated for a while but I am currently working on about five others and sometimes it can be such a struggle and I was having some serious writers block when it came to this one, I know this is just a bunch of oneshots but I hope this wasn't too short for you guys. Also I have only one more idea that I initially had that I wanted to write about when starting this so if you could leave me a review of what other ideas you had that I could do that would be really great! I love you guys and thanks for reading, and until next time-Izzy**


End file.
